---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thought everyone might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazian ad agency, for
a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market.  They were trying to come up
with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.  The picture looks completely innocent until you
notice the details....   Apparently, it has created quite a buzz in Europe!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to  use the two words, Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a  limerick.   Here are the three winners:

Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky 
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
 'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
 On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of
your dress and wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Abby,

I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her that she was too young for me. I'm 64 and she was 36, 28 years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me.

Abby, I told her I felt people were staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me.

Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her and I think she likes me. Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us.

Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know it is because of our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing and wonder if I should continue with the relationship.

Why do people have to be so rude....? It must be the age thing.

Sincerely, Morris
PS: I have attached a picture of Laurie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Click on the airplane and hear the CLASSIC
Airline audio clip...  lower volume... hazardous language.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Click on Funny Face... see Fox News Anchor blunder....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Crayon colors for 2002!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very  embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, think before  she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, the female  news anchor turned to the weatherman and asked   "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

____________________________________________

Secret Ingredients In Viagra*

3% Vitamin E... 2% aspirin... 1% ibuprofen...  1% Vitamin C... 92% Fix-a-Flat

_______________________________________

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and she's gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.   "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.   St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter, pointing out a prominent headline. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says,

"No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
________________________________________________________________________

A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.   Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before.   She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"

He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."  
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.   He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

_________________________________

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.  The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"   Tim replies "No, what do you mean?"  She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."   Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"    Tim replies "No, what do you mean?"    The Huge Man says: "You must be new here. It is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."   The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"  Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."    Receptionist: "But Sir, you have only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small part of our facilities..."   "Listen lady," Bob replies. "I am 58-years-old. I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

_______________________________________________

. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:  The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

__________________________________________________

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"    The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around.   Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel."   "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain."   Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"   The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir,  the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."  >The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."

So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.

A minute later the captain walks in.    "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

____________________________________________________

An Italian man, a Jewish man and a Polish man were all talking about their teenage daughters.  The Italian says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked".

The Jew says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was surprised as I didn't even know she drank".

Then the Polack speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms.

I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."

______________________________________________________

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

________________________________________________________

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a
bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.

The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."

"OK," the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own,  without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"

The Genie thinks for a moment and says; "Let me see that map again."

______________________________________________

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. The doctor tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"

___________________________________________

Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem, that he was unable to get his penis erect.  After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in Jack's penis. Jack thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result,  he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.  However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.  To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "Jack, that was incredible.  Can you do that again?"   Jack, with his eyes watering, replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass."

____________________________________

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"    "No," she replies, "I'm married to God."    She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie.   "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.    "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.   "Have sex with me."  The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.    "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"    "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver. "

Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "You are welcome to stay the night," said the old man, "but if you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man". "OK" said the young man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and crept into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.    He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest."  Well, that's pretty crappy,'he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2:....Rock tied to left testicle."  In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."

______________________________________________________________

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,  straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.   The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

 _________________________________________

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!    And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.   Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to > take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."    She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.   Remember, there is no smoking on the train.   We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today, and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,  see the bitch in the kitchen."

______________________

Three couples went out camping. The husbands stayed in one tent and the wives stayed in the other. At about 2 o'clock in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"  Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"   Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."   "How come?" Bill asked.    "To have sex!   I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"   Bob replied.     After a pause Joe said, "Do you want me to come with you?"   Bob frowned. "Hell, no!   Why would I want you to do that?"     Joe answered, "Because that's my dick you're holding."

________________________________________

An eighty-year-old man named George is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm married to a twenty five year old woman that I'm deeply in love with."   "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me another quickie, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm round him.  "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship.  Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

__________________________

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see you're nuts."

________________________

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs,  the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of Yours?"

"Yep" - the husband replied, "In-Laws."

________________

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.  The son did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93.   When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

-------------------------------

A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked, "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"   The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned...spit out your gum.   want to play President."

__________________

A fellow walked in to a tavern and saw a good-looking girl sitting at the bar. He walked over and said "Hi there, what's your name?"   She replied, "Carmen."   He said, "That's a nice name."   She said, "Yes, and it describes me perfectly. I like cars and I like men."

Then she said, "What's your name?"   He replied "Beerfuck."

________________

WHO IS JACK SCHITT???

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!"   Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.   The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!

_____________________

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of
dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

___________________________

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist
there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

_____________________________

Free Oranges For Everyone

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.  One day, the police rounded up a group of pros and the girl was busted. The cops had all the girls lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting.   Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter,  she asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"  The granddaughter, not willing to reveal the truth, told  her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges.

Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free,   joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the lineup taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother.   He was stunned and bewildered to see her so, he asked carefully, "Ma'am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"

Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck 'em dry."

________________________________

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem.  No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

________________________________